Turning Point
by jaroberts
Summary: 14x12 and how it should have gone. Destiel based off of one of the most romantic scenes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Guess the episode.


**Turning Point**

14x12 and how it should have gone. Destiel based off of one of the most romantic scenes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Guess the episode.

Dean was ashamed of himself. If his 40 years, not including his time in _Hell_, had taught him anything, as well as all the baddies he'd ganked over the years, it was that you didn't give a chance. You didn't monologue. Once they got the drop on you it that was it.

Head in his hands, Dean sighed in exhaustion feeling a headache coming on. He was gonna do it. It was a done deal. Once the sun went down he was in the box. Not like he wanted to do it, he just didn't see another choice.

Rubbing his temples with the heal of his hands, Dean realized as much as he wanted it over he was kind of relieved it played out this way. For the longest time, Dean thought no one thought him important enough to stick around, and he'd go out with this burden, the weight of the world on his shoulders.

But if history taught him anything, Winchesters never gave up, no matter what. And as much as Dean cared about them, his family, he hadn't even thought about them. As time had proven, and not just with Sam and mom, they were his weak spot. Family.

The car ride back had been rife with dead silence. As much as he was trusting Sam on this, part of him felt like he should have gone through with it already, no goodbyes. Dean was ashamed to admit, he hadn't even considered them in this. His family. He was doing it because of them sure, but Dean was too lost on the paralyzing fear of the box, he hadn't even considered their feelings in all of this.

Sure on some level, Dean was thankful. Ecstatic even. It was no secret Dean needed family. He was never meant to be alone. If he was alone, this whole thing would have been less of a problem. Dean huffed at the irony there.

Dean needed them. It wasn't something he could put into words, it wasn't his style, but the sentiment was there just the same. He needed them, and he knew it was almost to a toxic level, more than they ever needed him. Part of him thought it was just them thinking he was a stubborn martyr and they were saving him from himself.

Another, small part of him, so minuscule and buried like the archangel trying to crawl its way out of his head, that part had wanted them to find out.

Dean had a secret.

A knock came at his door and he let his hands fall from his face.

Dean groaned in frustration, frowning down at his clasped hands, not even registering that they were tightly woven into fists. He didn't answer, feeling in his heart that he knew this wasn't gonna be left alone.

"Dean? May I come in?" came the angel's deep voice. It sent chills up the hunter's spine knowing that had he gone through with the plan, he would never hear his friend's voice again. The sheer thought made his chest ache.

Dean sighed, adjusting himself on the bed, feeling his neck pop as he tried to work out some tension. Might as well get it over with.

"Sure Cas," he replied with his head down, kinda knowing what he was in for. He'd have to be an idiot if he thought his best friend would let this go. It'd be kinda hypocritical of Dean to think that. The last time the hunter lost the angel…

Dean drifted out of his thoughts as the door opened. Keeping his head down, he waited. He waited until he heard the telltale sound of those shoes padding over the carpet until he was standing before him.

Dean could feel it. The tension in the room was thick, ready to explode, so many things left unsaid for years, building and building and Dean just too much of a coward to do anything about it. Dean felt like there wasn't enough air in the room, and it was suffocating him.

"Dean?" came Cas' voice, uncharacteristically gentle from his usual gravel.

Dean kept his head down. "Sup Cas."

"Dean, please look at me. We need to talk."

The hunter obeyed. His eyes caught his friend's face and held his gaze. Cas was less than a foot away from him, Dean could feel the heat from the angel's body from this close. Usually he'd have snarked about personal space, but he was beyond that now. One look at those blue eyes filling with concern exhausted him even more. He felt so cold.

Cas tilted his head and frowned. "May I sit?"

Dean huffed through his nose. "Sure buddy," he felt his voice waver.

Cas moved closer and Dean felt the bed dip, less than a foot between them now. Dean felt a lump in his throat.

Neither of them spoke, the silence eating Dean up, devouring him. It felt like something was going to happen, that feeling you get when you know it, every muscle in your body tight and wound like a top ready to spring.

Cas sighed heavily, and Dean could feel his friend's shoulders sag much like air deflating. Seemed he wasn't the only one tired of it all. "Dean, we'll figure this out. We always do."

Dean smirked, feeling warmth pool in his chest, but instead of it filling him like it usually did, it just felt like he was bleeding out, leaving him like precious life fluid.

"Sure Cas, keep telling yourself that."

Still not looking up, Dean felt the angel tense beside him. "You're insufferable," Cas growled.

"Thank you. That really helped, Cas," he groused sarcastically. "Now if all you're gonna do is insult me, I'd really like to get some sleep."

"You didn't let me finish Dean," The angel's voice hummed, and Dean could hear it in his voice, the indulging smile.

Dean sighed again. "What are you trying to say, Cas?"

"Why didn't you want to say goodbye Dean? You don't think after all we've been through that I deserve at least that?"

Dean sighed and felt pressure build behind his eyes, swallowing that lump in his throat. "It's easier this way Cas." Still he stared at nothing. He already felt his eyes welling.

"Easy for who Dean? Because to me it looks like you're just giving up," he growled, not in anger. Dean could hear it in his voice, the ache. Agony. Exhaustion.

"Oh and you're the expert at goodbyes huh? What about the last time you bit it?"

Dean could see out of the corner of his eyes, Cas shaking his head slowly in disbelief. And when he spoke, his voice pained, Dean's jaw clenched to keep it in. He had to be strong. "You really think we could live with that? You think _I_ could…" Dean could hear the waver there, the pain.

"Cas please… I'm just so tired," Dean whimpered uncharacteristically, emotionally exhausted to the point of giving up.

The angel's voice hardened. "I said I wasn't done, Dean." Dean nodded wordlessly. "Why Dean? Why can't you see how much we care about you? It _hurts_ to think of wandering this Earth without you," and the angel huffed, voice full of heaviness again. "At this point if you go, I go."

"Don't say that Cas," he whispered painfully.

"I mean it Dean."

Dean sighed and let his head fall back, breathing in through his nose out of his mouth, blinking rapidly to clear his head. Was he really considering this? This was definitely out of his element.

But then again he's never been here. Slightly dizzy, Dean took in one last deep breath and took the plunge.

Dean looked up, eyes swimming as he met the concerned gaze of his friend. Eyes that held nothing but tenderness.

He could do this. "Don't judge me, Cas. I need to get this out. And hear me out here. Way things are lookin'…" he whispered, closing his eyes, feeling that pressure again.

The angel nodded wordlessly, his gaze remained stoic, unwavering as ever.

"Being a hunter… made me different. I mean even before that, back since the childhood I didn't have. Even with having everything work out eventually… Sammy staying with me through it all, mom coming back… I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. In our lives, if it's not one thing, it' another. In our lives… we don't get happy endings," he trailed off, voice breaking. Squeezing his eyes shut to keep it in, taking a deep breath before continuing, knowing Cas wouldn't judge him for being weak in that moment. "But it's my fault I stayed that way. I'm… broken Cas… I need people… because I wasn't meant to be alone." Dean laughs depreciatingly. "But I'm not alone. I have people around me looking to me all the time… you, Sammy, mom… and I've never felt so… so yeah… I get it. I know a have good people in my life, that care about me. Problem is… I just don't let em in." Dean chuckles humorlessly, head falling down to his chest, like a marionette's strings cut.

Dean could feel the angel next to him nod, understanding. And Dean just wanted him to leave. It was too painful to know that Cas knew that part of him now. This was the part of him he never shared with anyone. How desperate he was for someone to know him, to just stay and push past all his bullshit.

He felt the angel stand up and he could imagine it now. He was staring down at him in pity he knew.

"You listen to me." Cas knelt in front of him and Dean's head jerked up, surprised at the warmth in his voice, the sheer vulnerable shimmering in those blue eyes.

Dean was transfixed. This was not what he was expecting. Whether in shock or curiosity, or both, he held that tender gaze, knowing full well Cas owned him in this moment, hoping with all the aching in his chest that this was it. That the pain could all stop.

That he could finally rest.

Cas tilted his head, frown sad and Dean had to harden his gaze and inhale through his nose to steady his breathing. "I've been alive a long time… and in that time I've seen things… done things you couldn't imagine. And not all of it I'm proud of. I've made a lot of mistakes." Cas gazed into Dean's eyes, softening to something Dean didn't want to interpret lest he lose it here and now. Cas he breathed deep. "In the thousands of years of my existence, all the different ages of the Earth… and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of… you." Dean looked away, but Cas reached towards his face, warm hands cradling his jaw tenderly, unblinking. "Hey, look at me, Dean. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me."

A tear rolls down Dean's cheek, his lips trembling, feeling like this is the moment he had been waiting for his whole life.

"Dean…" the way the angel said his name… Dean blinked rapidly, breath gasping and choppy as he tried to keep from losing it then and there. "I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. Your loyalty and love for your family gives me hope. I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a man, a man I'd follow to the end of _everything_. You're the one, Dean."

Dean felt a tear fall down his cheek, clenching his jaw tight, eyes staring wide and unblinking as the naked love held him there, desperately trying not to let his voice break. "I don't wanna be the one," he whimpered desperately, sniffing to swallow it all down.

Cas smiled indulgently. "I don't wanna be this devastatingly handsome. We all have our problems," he deadpanned. Dean chuckled through his tears as Cas stood up.

Dean's breath hitched as Cas backed up, a deep flush coloring his face and neck. "You get some rest now. We can forget about this… I just needed to let you know how I… Cas trailed off dazedly as he made his way toward the door.

"Cas?" The angel turned to face Dean, a question on his face. That adorable head tilt, lips parted, hope and fear apparent on his face.

Dean couldn't bare it if he let this moment go. After all this naked emotion making him feel raw, what more could it hurt. Maybe it was time for him to be brave.

"Could you...stay here?

"Whatever you need, Dean." Cas turned his eyes towards the chair beside the bed. Cas shed his trench coat and suit jacket, "I'll be right here Dean."

Feeling dizzy and sick with just the thought of even that amount of distance between them, Dean made a choice. "No, I mean...here." Dean patted the bed beside him. "Will you just hold me, Cas?"

The angel smiled warmly, that barely-there smile lifting a corner of his full lips. Dean turned over on his side on the bed, waiting for the angel to make a decision or reject him totally, the hunter's heart out and ready for breaking.

As he waited in desperation so strong, he felt like he might die if the angel didn't stay, Dean breathed deeply.

His eyes stung and he felt a sob wrack his body in relief as he felt the bed dip behind him.

Cas inched his way to Dean, settling on his back, but not touching, on a subconscious level Dean knew he was giving Dean an out. It made the hunter's next move more sure. With a deep and bounding love shooting through his veins like lightning, Dean moved closer, turning over to be met with a solemn gaze, his own eyes swimming.

A few moments passed between them wordlessly, a few inches between them that might as well have been a mile. Dean bit his lip, and held blinked rapidly until he couldn't take it anymore.

Frantic, Dean threw himself into the angel's waiting arms and grabbed him almost violently, holding on to this with everything he had, something he never had before, that he never wanted to lose, tense with the desperation of not wanting to let this moment pass, to live here forever.

After a few seconds of tense stillness, he felt all the stiffness beneath him melt away, sighing as he felt Cas' arms go around him, sighing in relief, a breath he had been holding in all his life. He rested his head on Cas' chest, fingers grasping the white dress shirt, feeling the warmth of the angel's body under his own, chasing away the cold trying to wrap around his soul and drown him, freezing like the ocean.

He just needed the warmth of the sun.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, their hearts beating erratically. He cradled Dean close in his arms, the hunter curling into him so tight, as if trying to crawl right inside the angel. They'd never been so close. As the angel felt Dean relax, Cas pressed a kiss into the hair there, inhaling the scent of his friend, other hand coming up to hold Dean's head in his hand, protective, thanking Chuck that this moment was here.

"We'll figure it out together, my love. I won't let you go, Dean. I need you more than you will ever know," the angel whispered in Dean's ear, kissing the lobe there, making the hunter shiver and burrow deeper into his arms.

Dean smiled into the angel's chest and nuzzled his face there, heart beating and making him giddy with love. And it hurt. He was aching inside, finally, knowing in his heart that he couldn't ever let this be the last time he felt this. Dean's head came to rest in the crook of Cas' neck, inhaling and wrapping his arms around the angel and under his shoulder blades, squeezing them both tight together.

"I need you, too Cas. And I promise you… I won't leave you either."

"Sleep Dean. I'll watch over you."

Dean squeezed tighter. "Still creepy Cas."

The angel just laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound Dean had heard in his life.

He breathed deep and let it all go.

He was right where he was supposed to be, he knew it.


End file.
